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Current Music:Darci Cash - In the Corner
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Subject:Walking out
Time:03:58 pm
Current Mood:numbnumb
As I walked out of the bathroom, I saw Tiandra shake her head and say to me, "Megan, I don't even know you anymore."

I looked at her expression and analyzed her tone of voice. I though about all the decisions I've made, I thought about all the times she knew EXACTLY who I was.

I thought it all in a moment and replied, "No one does. No one does anymore. Not even me."
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Subject:and jenny???
Time:09:06 am
I'm sorry... so terribly sorry that I got blood on your shirt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I stained the sleeve.
I'll fix it I promise.
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Subject:still? Always about J. Vizzle
Time:08:49 am
I just wanted to let you all know that those pills I snorted and took, fucked me up. I have not been to sleep since I woke up yesterday at noon yesterday. I don't feel a wink tired and it's 8:43 am... if I lay down.. I might just get up and start dancing around. I'm going to listne to Enya dn try to fall asleep and maybe everything will be better. If Jenny reads this.. she's gonna ask to look at my arm.. I know it. The look on her face will be devastation. It will be sadness. The look that makes me think she will cry... for me. She'll want to touch them. She'll want to make everything better. I don't think she can. But I know she's helping a whole hell of a lot. I don't want her to go. She's the first one in a long time that actually cares if I cut anymore. She feels actual hurt inside her body. I've never had someone feel my pain for me, but when she rubs my scars... My sadness goes away.
Thank God for Jenny Vance.
ps... almost all my journals have been about Jenny, but that is okay, because right now she is my best friend. I would do anything for her. I want her to know that, even though, she most likely already does. I haven't moved from this spot in 3 hours. It's going to hurt getting up. The only muscles moving are my arms... I haven't gotten up to pee or get a drink or food or anything. Not even to turn on the heater cause I am freezing. My tootsies are ice cubes...
oh well...
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Subject:All by myself... This is intense... Beware...
Time:05:45 am
Man... I'm just sitting here all by myself... It's 5:33 am. I can't sleep, eat, think. I can barely type. I haven't REALLY seen Mitch in 2 days. It's weird. I wanted him to be here tonight, but he's not. I don't know where Nate is. He isn't answering his phone. He isn't replying to texts. He never does this. I wonder if I should be worried. I am worried, but maybe only cause I am fucked up. Fucked up by myself. All I really want to do right now is feel hard cold metal on my skin. Feel the tingles up and down my spine as I breathe deeply before pressing it in. Deep, but not too deep. The first one is always a small wimpy cut. I get mad that it isn't bleeding enough and I start to cry cause I'm frustrated. I wanted it to bleed more and I cry and shake until bleeding is all I care about. I cut again maybe 2 more times, maybe more. untill all I see is blood. Covering my arm and dripping down into the sink. Drops catching drops and forming straight, thick lines of blood. I squeeze my arm and force the blood out. As much as I can. That's when I instantly regret what I've done. I want to take it back. I want to rewind. This isn't TiVo, Megan. This is real and you fucked up. It's too late. You might as well just bleed. Let it flow. I shake and realize I can't take it back. I get a wet paper towel and press it against my arm until it's soaked in red, then I get a new one, until the red is barely there. It starts to sting really hurt. It's worth it though. The rush of a cut, the rush of blood, pain, sadness, leaving your body... It's worth the sting... I haven't decided if it's worht the scar. The Permanent Scar left by me. The Ever present reminder of my regretted choices. I'm writing this to try to see if it will satisfy my urge.. my craving to bleed. but it doesn't. It's toobad that Nate showed me where the scalpel was. And it's too bad that I lied and told him I wouldn't touch it. It's just too bad that I really thought this outlet would work... but really I just want to go to the toolbox and get the sharp sharp blade and cut...
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Subject:Sunday Morning
Time:01:36 pm
I'm going to start writing on Live Journal regularly. Jenny says that it is very theraputic, and I believe her.
Last night was a very lazy night. Jenny and I decided to have a calm peaceful night. which, in turn, means that we had the munchies... So we hopped over to McDonalds and got some Dollar Menu double cheeseburgers and 2 apple pies and ate while we watched Lemony Snicket's A series of Unfortunate Events. Then we decided to take a nap to rejuvenate ourselves and go out later. We ended up napping on my bed for about 2 hours until Nate woke us up coming back from Justin's. That's when we decided it was time to be awake. It was about 2:15. We went to 7-11 and got jenny her beloved Coke and Nate his nightly coffee. My stomach hurt, so I didn't get anything... But these days, when does my stomach not hurt. It's horrible. I need to go take my pill. I doubt it'll do me any good cause I don't have any pain killers which I think is ridiculous. If anyone has any percocet they aren't using... Could I have them? I have an ulcer and gall stones or whatever, so you should give me your pain pills. Cause I'm sure my pain is worse than yours, unless you got your leg bitten off by a shark or something. Anyway, then we watched Final Destination. It was like 5 something when we decided to go to bed, so I put on some Sigur ros and we fell asleep.
I was supposed to go to church this morning with my family. It was the Primary Program and my sister apparently had a big part. I set my alarm for 10:00 am. As soon as the alarm went off, I knew I wasn't going. I couldn't pull myself out of that bed... Sleeping next to my little Jenny. It's now 1:34 (how did it get so late?) and Jenny is still quietly sleeping on the bed. I think that I have been awake long enough, so I think I will go back and join her for a little while longer. I feel bad that I idn't go to church, but it'll be okay... right?
I think I am supposed to go to a movie with the boys and Jen today, but no one has called us yet. Oh well.
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Current Music:The used-Take it Away
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Subject:I'm a fruit fly....
Time:04:12 pm
Current Mood:blahself concious
Anyway, I'm new. I have no fucking idea what I am doing. But it seems fun. I'm kinda bored. I am at my mom's house, but I live like 12 blocks from her. I don't have a computer. I'm loud, but you like it. I am wearing a short sleeve shirt and i hate it cause my mom keeps glancing at my arm, which has about a million scars on it. It makes me feel ashamed and in a way proud. I know she worries about me. Life Fucking sucks, but what can you do? Get over it and get on with your life. That's it. You choose whether it's good or not, I guess. I choose not, way too often. I am rambling, but fuck, what is this for if you can't ramble. This is one of my few days off. So I am just chill today. I don't play with my guinnea pig enough, her name is Zamboni. Who's knows what a Zamboni is??? Maybe I should give it to my brother. He'd play with it. Okay, I'm out.
Meg
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